Wednesday, November 30, 2011

Climbing Mount Everest

I am now 28 Weeks and at the stage where I wheeze and pant just going up a flight of stairs.  I feel like my lung capacity is non existent.  We were taking my daughter upstairs last night to brush her teeth before bed and I said to my husband to go upstairs as I had to take a brief rest on the landing.  It is so funny because it is so gradual and then literally over night you sound like you are having respiratory distress going up 2 steps!!

The comfort I have is that when the baby drops before delivery you can breathe a full lung again.  Yesterday I even got out of breath talking on the phone!  How bad is that!!!! Especially for me being an absolute chatterbox.

Monday, November 28, 2011

Emperor Penguin Stage

I couldnt help but laugh the other day as I was in the back of the car with my daughter watching Happy Feet and I thought,"where have I seen a walk like that before"  Oh yeah.....that would be me. 

I am now beyond the "i look like I have pooed myself" stage and have progressed to the "did she have rickets as a child" kind of stage.  I am literally walking like my hips and pelvis have been fuzed together. 

I think the reason is my back is so arched and my bump is so far out now that my body is having conflicting centers of gravity so to compensate it decides to distract passers by, by making me walk like that duck at the pond with the gimpy leg that everyone throws bread to because they feel sorry for it.

Again just one of the many joys of motherhood.  It makes me feel alive and i am just grateful for the chance to host another baby again.

Well I am gonna waddle of now so see you soon.

Warning to shipping

Oh my GOD.  What is going ON!!!!! Thanksgiving was on Thursday so nearly 5 days ago.  Its like my body and the baby kept all the food and took all the nutrients they wanted and decided to let go of the waste today.

Yes people......its going to be one of those posts.....sorry but I did say I was going to be honest.

Literally from the minnute I woke up to now I have been in the loo about 16 times.  I must have lost about 7 pounds in this last 2 hours between peeing like Niagara and giving birth to several pounds of fudge its just insane.  Hence the reason I feel the need to put a warning out to the shipping forecasters for a bumpy ride hahahaha.

It is just hysterical.  The worst thing is our office has the worst loo paper in the world.  The squares are about as big as a stamp, they disintegrate on any contact with human skin, it is about as soft as wiping your arse with a cheese grater just the whole ordeal is unpleasant. 

To top it all off my signal has been so poor I cant even watch netflix in the loo to help me keep focus.  EPIC fail!

Curse of the hiccups

The baby is clearly trying to take practice breaths and in the process giving herself the hiccups.  It was the same thing with my first.  From about 6 months onwards my daughter had the hiccups every single DAY!  Not everyone experiences it but i tell you it gives me the giggles sometimes as it feels so bizarre.

For the past 15 minutes now the poor little mite is in my uterus hiccupping away.  I cant suggest drinking water backwards or taking a breath of fresh air.  I cant scare her as lets face it I will probably scare myself and pee myself at the same time.

My belly just kinda sits there and twitches.  Poor little sausage.  Its funny now but when she does it at 2am in the morning thats not so cool.

Friday, November 25, 2011

Early morning black Friday

I have been up today since 3am. No I'm not shopping or pitched in a tent outside a store. I leave that to my cousin in a warmer state hahaha.

The baby has been going absolutely bonkers! I don't know what she is doing but it feels like she is doing the electric slide in there. I think it is her hands that I am feeling. I can feel her bottom now so I can usually tell where her feet and hands are.

I lay there thinking shall I just get up and go shopping but then the guilt of spending money creeps up on me. So I thought oh I know. Real housewives of Beverley hills is on demand so I thought there we go. Let's go watch that. That lasted 45 mins and now I am sitting here watching some absolute gash about who is gonna be the next accessory guru.

Why am I watching this? I clearly am the tired and frustrated that I can't even muster up the energy to change the channel. To top it off there are left overs in the fridge from yesterday's feast. The lemon meringue pie is calling me from the fridge. I must RESIST!

Glucose overload

I had my gestational diabetes test. It is SO not enjoyable. For those of you with a sweet tooth you might enjoy it but I am more of a savory person so I dread it.

Basically what happens is you go to the Drs office and when you get there you are handed this bottle of orange liquid. It is pure glucose basically. The disappointing thing is it is a flat liquid. It is very syrupy in consistency and it gives your teeth a fur coat.

You get 5 minutes to drink it. I am of the philosophy of just pinch your nose and down it in one. The clock then starts ticking. You have an hour before you have your blood drawn. Make sure you take something fun to do with you. For me it was my crochet. It was either that or watch Rachel Ray cook on TV which always makes me so hungry.

Then it's time for blood work and my regular drs appointment. The glucose had now worn off and I was feeling very sleepy. It was like full on I've just eaten thanksgiving dinner sleepy. The dr got the fetal heartbeat monitor and had no problem locating her as she was fast asleep apparently. Poor thing was on a major sugar crash. As I laid there looking at the ceiling I could have nodded off there and then.

I will only hear results of it is bad so I guess no news is good news xxx

Tuesday, November 22, 2011

I shouldn'a done that

Firstly I hope my best friend is not reading this as she will not be happy with me. I had one of those oh I forgot I'm pregnant moments today. I went to the grocery store after work. With thanksgiving on Thursday the store was packed. I had to practically park the car in the next county and walk into the store. Wheezing and waddling I made my way around the store. I finally picked up a 24 pack of soda and made my way to the checkout. I had one bag and the soda to carry to the car. Doesn't sound much does it. When you have a pumpkin in your uterus and you need to pee and you have to walk across the county to get the car it is doomed to fail. I had to stop 3 times as my muscles down the side of my belly were agony. Some 90year old biddy made it to her car before I did!!! I got in the car and was in so much pain. I'm such a dufus!!! I keep forgetting I can't carry heavy things. My buddy Lizzie would joke and ask if I am going home to bench press the refrigerator. Last time I was pregnant I tried to lift my 50 poud dog into the back of the car to go to the vets and I really badly strained my ligaments. You would think I had learnt by now but nope clearly not. Lizzie if you read this I am sorry I'm so special that I forget I'm pregnant xx.

Sunday, November 20, 2011

Ewwwww......I'm leaking!!!

Well for you first timers there will be this moment. The moment where you wake up in bed with cold wet arms and you are thinking "what the heck!!!" your boobs just decide to leak. It's not milk but it's colostrum. It's all GOOD! It's letting you know everything is all on track and getting ready to work.

I seem to get mine early. I am 27 weeks! It was the same last time. I was so grosed out by it before. My bed sheets need regular washing otherwise it ends up looking like I have had a "wild"night with the husband if you catch my drift.

I just need some breast pads and I will be all good x

Friday, November 18, 2011

I wish I had Barney Rubble arms

So I am sorry to bring up toilet issues but I have too.  Thats the whole point of this blog. 

Why do us women have such short arms??? I am finding it near impossible to negotiate around my bump to make sure the lady garden is clean after going to the loo.  I try and try and for some dumb reason I have convinced myself that leaning forward will make my arms longer which clearly it doesnt.  I then get blocked by the ever ginormous bump on my front.

My next tactic then is to do the old reach around from the side. there are 2 downsides to this.  It only emphasises the love handles which I would rather not think about and it makes me puff and pant like I have just run a marathon.  Lord knows what Darling Husband thinks when he hears me puffing and panting in the bathroom.  Thankfully for him we have not closed the bathroom doors in 10 years so he can see plain as day what I am doing.  Again this prompts the question of how the heck does my husband find me attractive after seeing this insane X Factor failing contortion act?

Possible solution.........I recommend the old dental floss trick.  Come on ladies, i know you have done it.....you have all been a little bit "socially relaxed" on the dance floor and removed your scarf and done the old in between the legs dental floss dance move.  It works surprisingly well with loo roll.

Now there is a mental image to take into the weekend!!!!

Thursday, November 17, 2011

This ones for the dads........

Hey there daddy-o's!

Its been a while since I posted for you.  I just wanted to bring you up to speed with what may be going on in our heads right now.  Here are some tips and advice for you when your Mrs enters the 3rd trimester.

Please dont stare:  When we sit and order half of the Denny's menu and then polish off your left overs please smile affectionately and say how much we are glowing.  don't stare at the beads of sweat pouring off our brow as we struggle to stuff as much food into our mouths as possible.  Just smile in pride at the fact we may actually be able to beed that dude from Man v's food.  Mental note:  your wife will indeed need to eat again in about half an hour.  Under no circumstances mention that you JUST ate.

Don't ever respond to the following question:  Do my boobs look different sizes?  We spend hours looking in the mirror convincing ourselves that one is bigger than the other.  I don't know why I mean lets face it how can you tell when they look like spaniels ears?

Learn to bend your arm backwards:  At the most strange times in bed your wife may say "ooh the babys kicking." before you get a chance to respond she will grab your arm and put it on her belly and wait for you to feel the baby kick.  Even though this may actually feel like a fart brewing in her tummy just smile through the pain she inflicted by treating your arm like Stretch armstong and marvel at how excited she is.

Prepare for outright panic: You will be sitting there watching TV enjoying a nice drink when your Mrs will suddenly blurt out " oh my god we are having a baby!"  This is my second and I actually had this last week.  I suddenly realized that this little bundle is actually going to come out at some point and to top it off it's going to live with us.  Why is it always a surprise?????  Please administer the following.  A nice strong cup of tea and a jammie dodger.  Offer a foot rub and soothing conversation about what a wonderful support network of friends and family you have.  Even if they are all a pain in the arse don't EVER say that!!!

Best of luck guys and I will catch you shortly before due date time.

Eat your heart out William Hurt........

So we should all by now have seen the famous "chest burster" scene from Alien where William Hurt has an epic conclusion to his breakfast.

Thats what I felt like this morning.............minus the hollywood paycheck and charming breakfast with Sigourney Weaver.  I had some breakfast, namely AppleJacks mixed with Raisin Bran (yes I know that is the most grose concoction but just go with it).  Clearly baby was a little over excited as when I got to work my belly ressembled one of those shiatsu massage cushions where the mechanical claw moves around under the cloth.

I decided to truly monopolize on this and freak out one of our younger gentlemen employees.  I asked if he wanted to see something weird.  Lets just put it this way I think it may have worked his upchuck reflex a little bit.

It is so lovely feeling all these movements.  It is so reassuring and when you can clearly feel what limb is sticking out it is such a magical experience.  I just wish that all our darling husbands could feel this.

Tuesday, November 15, 2011

Damn you immunities!!

I have always been very healthy. I NEVER take sick days. I don't get colds........except when I am pregnant when all of a sudden every single germ around seems to feel the need to give me some love.

Last week I was finally sent home by my boss. Basically my darling daughter had picked up a cold from daycare. This was a normal cold that was fairly mild. It then permeated into my body and turned into a sore throat rendering, voice stealing, snot inducing, bug eyed travesty!

I looked awful! After about 2 weeks of not sleeping and waking up looking like I just did 10 rounds with Tyson because of the bulgy eyes and tissue shoved up my nose I finally had a melt down at work. I just couldn't function.

I was exhausted, couldn't talk as my voice had gone. That's kinda hard when you recruit and do 20 to 25 cold calls per day!

My boss sent me home and so off I went, a blithering mess I mean seriously blithering. It was like Bambi's mum being killed blithering. I went to my OBGYN and had a meltdown there and they moved me out of the waiting room to a side room.....wow now I feel like elephant man. I'm scaring the other punters!

They sat me down and did a strep throat test which made me nearly vomit. I was put on a course of anti biotics and sent home to rest.

I literally did nothing the rest of the day and also took the next day off. I was exhausted!!! I can look back now but seriously at the time I was just feeling so hopeless.

My advice is do whatever you can to keep those immunities up. Lots of vitamin c and a healthy diet x

I am now recovered and feeling very silly for my meltdown but hey I always have hormones as an excuse.

Saturday, November 12, 2011

Low blood sugar sends me high

You would think I had learned by now that I need to snack constantly to keep my blood sugar levels good. Well, clearly I'm a slow learner. My husband went out to the shop to get some groceries. I was home and my daughter was having a nap. I was chopping up some boiled eggs to make egg salad when my blood sugar just evaporated. I got the shakes, felt sick and dizzy. My knees started wobbling.

I quickly walked (waddled) to the sofa and laid down. I then lay there resembling ewan macgregor in transporting going cold turkey from drugs.....without the freaky baby crawling across the ceiling. I literally closed my eyes and prayed it would pass.

Darling hubby came home and immediately twigged as to what was wrong and got a huge glass of orange and sprite and made me guzzle the lot. My hands were shaking so bad I had the proper Judy finnegans going on.

Luckily about 10 minutes later I was up and about an feeling pretty normal. Only difference being the baby woke up and went completely crazy in my belly. You would think I had just necked 3 redbulls the way the baby was acting.

My advice girlies is ALWAYS have snacks on you!!!!

Thursday, November 10, 2011

braxton hicks are here again

This afternoon I noticed the Braxton Hicks have returned.  For all of you first time mums it is a very strange sensation and i could understand why some first time mums mistake them for labor.

if you have not had them before basically your belly suddenly goes rock hard.  it kind of makes your diaphragm contract so you find breathing a little labored.  your belly may also go a funny shape.  mine goes pointy.

Make sure you have a toilet handy as it makes you need to go pee really badly.

its so exciting seeing that I am having the practice contractions.  in fact i am having one right now.

This is really happening isn't it!!!!!

Trick or Treat

I completely forgot to mention Halloween!!!!!!!  i am obviously on a budget so no costume was purchased.  I had to be creative and think out of the box.  I was sitting on the toilet when it came to me.  There staring back at me was my costume.  A little bit of orange and black body paint and voila!!!!! pumpkin!!!!!

Thursday, November 3, 2011

Americas got talent here I come

Surely the fact that I fart as I go up every single step in my house is a worthy entry for the next series.

I don't know if it was the curry or the soda or the non alcoholic beer I had this evening but those damn carpet frogs have followed me home from work. It's insane!!! My daughter even laughed as I lifted her out of the bath and "exhaled" out of my rear end. This is really not the beautiful feminine pregnancy experience.

Do you reckon Beyonce and Jay-z have carpet frogs in their house? Do you reckon posh spice used to roll over in bed and fart on David Beckhams thigh? Somehow I think not.

What do the celebs do different? Why don't they develop the 3rd boob as they burst out of their bras? Why don't they walk like they have a rod up their arse? Why don't they accidentally knock glasses off the table with their bellys while dining at the Ivy?

Us middle class preggos just have to accept that carpet frogs are a spreading epidemic.

Tuesday, November 1, 2011

Yes..... My cervix is now a trampoline apparently

I am now experiencing the vomit inducing man handling of my cervix from her indoors. I love feeling her move but does she really have to stroke my cervix and then wipe her feet on it???

It is the most bizarre feeling and I cannot possibly describe it but I will try anyway. I get these feelings of almost having a pap smear (smear test) but from the inside out. It is so bizarre. I find myself jumping up out of my seat and trying to move her away from my cervix. She will oblige for a while a d the. Just as I feel secure she will start jumping on it.

Sweetheart I love you and I love feeling you move but pleeeeaaaase could you just leave the door alone. It will open when it's good and ready.

Love mummy. Xxx